The Talmud records an interesting debate between two schools of thought. The students of Shammai said that when attending a wedding one should sing the praises of the bride "as is." For better or for worse. The students of Hillel, by contrast, said that no matter what the bride is like one should sing that she is "pretty and kind." Nowadays the custom of Hillel is followed and there are any number of tunes by which those words are sung.
Many are puzzled by the meaning of this debate, and based on what I have shared with you the past few days, I would like to offer an innovative approach to their debate. The Shela HaKadosh a 16th century Kabbalist explains that oftentimes when we find a debate such as this in the Talmud, there are not truly two different opinions, rather, each is offering a partial glimpse of the total picture.
Oftentimes when people seek a marriage partner, they are seeking someone who they see as the perfect partner for themselves. Only someone who meets the preconceived notions is considered for the possibility of marriage. After marriage, when reality sets in, disappointment frequently follows.
The students of Shammai felt that it was important to understand that your spouse, warts and all, is the person placed in your life by God, as it is this spouse who will offer you the challenges and opportunities that you need in order to meet your destiny. The "perfect" spouse would have been less than perfect for this task. That is why he says that at the wedding people should sing about the bride "as is." As she is, she is the perfect bride for this groom, and it is important that he understand and accept that with joy and faith and not strive with the divine plan for the world. Hillel's students agreed with this. Every bride is exactly as pretty and kind as this groom needs, they argued, so for every bride we should sing of her beauty and kindness.
Imagine how the state of marriage in this country would change if we could all truly internalize this message.
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