Striving with Life -Marriage

The Talmud records an interesting debate between two schools of thought. The students of Shammai said that when attending a wedding one should sing the praises of the bride "as is." For better or for worse. The students of Hillel, by contrast, said that no matter what the bride is like one should sing that she is "pretty and kind." Nowadays the custom of Hillel is followed and there are any number of tunes by which those words are sung.

Many are puzzled by the meaning of this debate, and based on what I have shared with you the past few days, I would like to offer an innovative approach to their debate. The Shela HaKadosh a 16th century Kabbalist explains that oftentimes when we find a debate such as this in the Talmud, there are not truly two different opinions, rather, each is offering a partial glimpse of the total picture.

Oftentimes when people seek a marriage partner, they are seeking someone who they see as the perfect partner for themselves. Only someone who meets the preconceived notions is considered for the possibility of marriage. After marriage, when reality sets in, disappointment frequently follows.

The students of Shammai felt that it was important to understand that your spouse, warts and all, is the person placed in your life by God, as it is this spouse who will offer you the challenges and opportunities that you need in order to meet your destiny. The "perfect" spouse would have been less than perfect for this task. That is why he says that at the wedding people should sing about the bride "as is." As she is, she is the perfect bride for this groom, and it is important that he understand and accept that with joy and faith and not strive with the divine plan for the world. Hillel's students agreed with this. Every bride is exactly as pretty and kind as this groom needs, they argued, so for every bride we should sing of her beauty and kindness.

Imagine how the state of marriage in this country would change if we could all truly internalize this message.

Striving with Life - The Red Heifer

This past Saturday I read the part of the story about the Simple Man and the Wise Man that I posted yesterday. When I was done, I switched to a commentary on the week's Torah portion. Fascinatingly, it touched on the same concept.

The Torah teaches that if one comes into contact with a dead body, either by touching it or being in the same room, he becomes tamei, ritually impure. The only way to remove the tumah (ritual impurity) is by waiting a minimum of seven days during which the ashes of a red heifer mixed with some other ingredients, are sprinkled on the person's body. There are other occurrences which can result in a person becoming tamei, but contact with the dead results in the most severe tumah. Usually tumah is removed by immersion in a mikvah, a ritual bath and one is pure the following day. Why does contact with the dead require such a strange sounding a lengthy process?

The most significant ramification of a person's being in a state of tumah is that he is precluded from entering the Temple and offering sacrifices or participating in some other manner. This shows us that one who is in such a state is not allowed to approach God in the same manner as others. The tumah symbolizes that there is something in his spiritual makeup that is creating a barrier between himself and God. We haven't got the space here to discuss this in reference to all the various types of tumah that exist, but why, specifically, in the case of contact with the dead, is there tumah? Why does it affect a person's ability to connect to God?

Rabbi Yitzchok Issac of Komarna, a Chassidic Rebbe who wrote an intensely Kabbalistic commentary on the Torah, gives us some insight into this. He explains that when one sees someone who has passed away, there is always a part of the person that begins to strive with God. To some degree the person begins to question God's providence in taking this person, and wondering about the justice of the way the world is run. The person does not want to accept the reality of what is and finds himself upset and striving with the facts as they are before him.

This attitude creates a barrier between the person and God which is represented by the tumah which comes upon him. He or she needs a week to work on their attitude towards God and to come to terms with the reality and to quit striving with what is.

The ashes which are sprinkled upon the person are meant to symbolize this as well. They remind the person that he is but dust and ashes. For that matter, only a microscopic bit of ash mixed in water must land on him. That reminds the person of what he is as compared to the entire Universe, the Creation of God. "Humble yourself as all you are is ash, and don't question reality or strive with it."

As we said yesterday, happiness can only come by making peace with what is. Striving with the facts only retards ones ability to achieve true spiritual growth.