Making it Real

When I was a teenager I struggled with my belief system. Although I had been raised Orthodox and had spent all my life attending Orthodox schools and was very familiar with the basic tents of Orthodox belief, I had never internalized them to make them truly mine. They were superficial at best. That changed, as I have written before, when some girls approached me and asked me challenging questions about my belief system. After successfully answering all their challenges I realized that if I truly believed in what I was saying then it was incumbent upon me to make serious changes in how I was living my life. I did so; a process that continues to this day.

Now I face another great personal challenge, and I am daily put to the test as to how "real" my beliefs are. My family is going through a terribly difficult financial crisis about which I have written previously. It seems that almost daily my situation gets worse. My paycheck from a part time job cut substantially over the past few months, as careful as we try to be, checks are bouncing causing even more money to disappear. Serious concerns about malnutrition in the children. Nervous every time the phone rings that it is someone else, a bill collector, a school, a lender, who wants to be paid money we don't have. Realizing today that the car that I have been pushing finally cannot go any further without some money being put into it - money that simply doesn't exist. Following job lead after job lead and nothing coming. Dealing with the frustrations of those leads that look promising and fail to pan out for one reason or another. Worries about inability to pay rent and what that could mean.

And the bottom line question: how do I deal with this from a religious perspective? Can I go through a trial as frightening and painful as this and maintain my belief system? Do I really trust in God? Do I really believe that all this is for the best?

Those of you who have read my blog in the past are aware that I have tried to strengthen my belief muscles by engaging in a serious study of some of Rabbi Aroush's works. I have encouraged some of you personally to read them for your own growth or to deal with personal struggles.

Sometimes I feel that I know what Iyov (Job) went through trying to understand with his finite human mind what it was that God wanted from him. Why is God giving me this challenge? Is it a punishment? Is it a challenge I need to overcome in order to bring about some tikkun (rectification)? In that case God, can you please make it clear to me what it is that I need to rectify and how. And give me the ability to do so. Are my prayers for such help and turning to God and letting him know that I know of nothing more to do going to bring about the response I think I need? Will His seeing all the efforts we are expending to change our situation be considered by Him to be sufficient sweat of our brows that we receive the bread we need?

Will I end up embittered and depressed, broken and morose if my situation doesn't change soon? I have striven my entire life to never allow any situation, difficult as it may be to leave me bitter. Will I fail this test?

Will all my efforts at building my emunah stand me in good stead and prove they are real? Or will I fail and show that I have not yet made it real for me.

The Meeting

The day finally arrived that the Wise Man returned home. Without a jealous bone in his body the Simple Man ran out to greet his long gone friend.

How could he not feel any jealousy when he contrasted his own meager existence with the success of the Wise Man?

The answer is that when someone is happy with his lot, it affects his attitudes all around. He doesn't feel that he needs to be more successful than anyone else in order to find satisfaction in life. He can look at others with a spirit of generosity.

One who is dissatisfied with his lot in life is unhappy when he perceives others as being more successful than he. His dissatisfaction leads him to feel like a failure when he sees others. He loses sight of the fact that God gives each person his own opportunities and challenges. Looking outside for satisfaction is a recipe for a miserable life. A person needs to find happiness within himself as is.

Pointless

Rabbi Aroush continues on the discussion of people putting down others. He quotes Rebbe Nachman as continuing the story of the Simple Man by having the Simple Man say to those who would ridicule him "What does it do for you to be smarter than I am."

Rabbi Aroush explains that if the whole point of putting someone down is to show that you are better than they are and you put them down to the ground to make that point, where does that leave you? Better than this person whom you have just made into a nothing?! Then you are what? A nothing+?

Besides which, he adds, what is this entire concept of being better than someone else? What criterion is being used? Each of us is exactly what God wanted us to be; we are each perfect in our own way. How can one be better than another?