Introspection?

The following comes from Yam HaChochmah, teachings of Rabbi Yitzchok Meir Morgenstern in his explanation of Tanya.
It is damaging for a person to ponder too much about his personal situation. Even though it is proper to examine ones behavior daily to see what behaviors need to be rectified and in what areas he owes thanks to Hashem, still one must remember that God does not come to a person with unreasonable criticisms. It is wrong for a person to live with a constant fear that perhaps his behavior is improper in some way. This attitude flies in the face of knowing that God directs the world. God gave each person unique abilities and situations. Trying to overthink that perhaps you are fooling yourself shows a lack of belief.
Even though you must serve Hashem to the best of your ability, you must also rely on the fact that God is all-merciful and He will help you complete your task. To achieve this understanding truly takes much work.

Affirming Emunah

Conventionally we understand Emunah to simply be faith that something will turn out a certain way. The Apter Rov explains that it can also be understood in light of the verse in the Megillah referring to Mordechai saying ויהי אומן את הדסה And he raised הדסה. The word אומן is similar to the word אמונה. He explains that this is because through the power of Emunah, you can bring something that is only potential into actuality.

Hashem has an infinite amount of good to give to each and every one of us. Our problem is that we don't truly believe that. We spend our lives in doubt as to whether or not we can be successful in all areas of our lives - the material and the spiritual. If we would truly believe that the good was out there waiting for us, and that all we need to do is take some steps and touch it, then we would find that good much sooner.

One way to accomplish this is by thinking os speaking to yourself about the good that is there for you. Say that it is there. Affirm that you have it. And through the power of Emunah to bring something into fruition it will be yours.

Making it Real

When I was a teenager I struggled with my belief system. Although I had been raised Orthodox and had spent all my life attending Orthodox schools and was very familiar with the basic tents of Orthodox belief, I had never internalized them to make them truly mine. They were superficial at best. That changed, as I have written before, when some girls approached me and asked me challenging questions about my belief system. After successfully answering all their challenges I realized that if I truly believed in what I was saying then it was incumbent upon me to make serious changes in how I was living my life. I did so; a process that continues to this day.

Now I face another great personal challenge, and I am daily put to the test as to how "real" my beliefs are. My family is going through a terribly difficult financial crisis about which I have written previously. It seems that almost daily my situation gets worse. My paycheck from a part time job cut substantially over the past few months, as careful as we try to be, checks are bouncing causing even more money to disappear. Serious concerns about malnutrition in the children. Nervous every time the phone rings that it is someone else, a bill collector, a school, a lender, who wants to be paid money we don't have. Realizing today that the car that I have been pushing finally cannot go any further without some money being put into it - money that simply doesn't exist. Following job lead after job lead and nothing coming. Dealing with the frustrations of those leads that look promising and fail to pan out for one reason or another. Worries about inability to pay rent and what that could mean.

And the bottom line question: how do I deal with this from a religious perspective? Can I go through a trial as frightening and painful as this and maintain my belief system? Do I really trust in God? Do I really believe that all this is for the best?

Those of you who have read my blog in the past are aware that I have tried to strengthen my belief muscles by engaging in a serious study of some of Rabbi Aroush's works. I have encouraged some of you personally to read them for your own growth or to deal with personal struggles.

Sometimes I feel that I know what Iyov (Job) went through trying to understand with his finite human mind what it was that God wanted from him. Why is God giving me this challenge? Is it a punishment? Is it a challenge I need to overcome in order to bring about some tikkun (rectification)? In that case God, can you please make it clear to me what it is that I need to rectify and how. And give me the ability to do so. Are my prayers for such help and turning to God and letting him know that I know of nothing more to do going to bring about the response I think I need? Will His seeing all the efforts we are expending to change our situation be considered by Him to be sufficient sweat of our brows that we receive the bread we need?

Will I end up embittered and depressed, broken and morose if my situation doesn't change soon? I have striven my entire life to never allow any situation, difficult as it may be to leave me bitter. Will I fail this test?

Will all my efforts at building my emunah stand me in good stead and prove they are real? Or will I fail and show that I have not yet made it real for me.

The End of Jewish Guilt

As Rabbi Aroush continues explaining the practical Emunah (faith) of the Simple Man he shares the idea that one cannot undergo the process of Teshuva (return to God) until and unless one has complete faith in the idea that there is nothing other than God. One has to come to terms with the fact that whatever happened in the past, including his own sins, all was the will of God. By coming to terms with that, one can engage in introspection as to how to have a more spiritually productive future, without engaging in self-recrimination and guilt about the past.

Rather one should look at his past, warts and all, and ask himself "What message was God sending me when he allowed me to do this or that?" Instead of being upset about what he has done, the person should embrace each thing as a loving message from a caring God. No depression, no crying, no frustration. "How should this incident lead me to understanding how to get closer to God?"

Rags Riches

Rebbe Nachman's story continues with a shift to the life of the Simple Man who only had one old tattered coat. Despite that, when he had to go out, he did so with complete joy and did not allow himself to be concerned with what others might think of his attire.

Rabbi Aroush says that this shows us how genuine his joy was. This was because his joy was predicated on his understanding that whatever he had it was because God willed it to be so. His joy did not depend on the approval of other people. He did not get caught up in "keeping up with the Joneses." Even when other could see that he was lacking it didn't bother him.

Real inner joy can only come when someone doesn't care if others are singing his praises or if they are ridiculing him. Living with Emunah means living with God, not with people. If people think something is not good, does that make it not good?!! Joy that is dependant on other's approval is merely superficial. The moment the person is open to criticism or ridicule he will fall apart.

Once again he has hit me where it counts; this issue has been a real challenge for me for many years. I couldn't possibly begin to count the number of times I have worried about the approval of others, rather than only concerning myself with the approval of God. How many times have I done things, or not done things, because I was concerned about the approval of other people?

I still have a long was to go to overcome this tendency, but the more I place my focus on God, and the less on other people's concerns, the closer I get to this ideal of happiness.

Thinking

Rabbi Nachman of Breslev told over many fascinating stories replete with messages for all of us. One of my favorites is the story of The Wise Man and the Simple Man. Rabbi Shalom Aroush has written (in Hebrew) a wonderful commentary on this story.
I want to share something I found inspirational.
In the story, the "simple" man, needing a profession, just goes out and quickly becomes a cobbler. The wise man, by contrast, takes his time deciding what to do with his life. At one point he stops and thinks to himself about what to do and then strolls around the local martketplace looking for a job.
Rabbi Aroush comments on his attitude:
Thinking things through ahead of time is certainly an important trait, especuially when one is faced with life altering decisions. But it is vital tha tthe thinking is predicated upon the wisdom of God, and not on the persons's own wisdom. As occurs in this story, one who relies on his own wisdom, is doomed to failure.
The "wise" man neglects to pray to God, nor does he consult with Him. He doesn't ask God what He wants him to do, what his destiny in life is, what is his purpose and what is his mandate.
Finding these things can only come about through formal, as well as personal (hisbodidus) prayer. God is the only one who knows what is best for a person in this world, as He knows the root of every soul. He knows why each person has come to the world, and can see the whole picture and knows how each individual fits into it.
Anyone who is honest with himself knows that he has no idea where he/she is heading. Do you know why you are here and what is good for you? Look around and you will notice that most people are unhappy with their professions. Had they consulted with God and asked Him for direction everything would have been easy. They would have discovered a destiny in which they would have found satisfaction.
As I read those words I found myself feeling quite convicted. How many times have I made important decisions without consulting properly with God beforehand? How many ties have I relied on my own intellect without connecting it to His?

Reading List

There are countless works of mussar (self improvement) that exists on the market. Having learnt many of them over the years, I still felt that something was missing. How do you get it in your heart?
Recently, I have begun to learn three seforim that address this issue. While I can't say that any of them have solved the problem for me, they have given me great direction as to how to get the Torah into my heart the way it should be.
First and foremost are the seforim of Rav Sholom Aroush. Offering an approach based on Breslove Chassidus he discusses frankly the issues of truly chaning oneself and how to overcome the challenge. The main factors on which he focuses are emunah and hisbodidus, which in his parlance refers to speaking out your heart to Hashem outside of formal tefilah (prayer). Three of his works are available in English, and many more in Hebrew. Additionally, there are hundreds of CDs that you can listen to from him, or his translator Lazer Brody. They are reasonably priced and reenforce the mesages of the books. There are also many articles available online that share their thoughts.

Why write?

I am starting this new blog in order to share with you my explorations in learning how to purify my heart. I hope that this can become a forum in which others can share their struggles, insights, and achievements with others.

The purpose of Torah study and a life dedicated to Mitzvah performance is to bring a person closer to G-d; essentially to develop a personal relationship with Him. This should result in a nation of people who are refined in their character and all areas of behavior.

Unfortunately, it hasn't quite worked that way. The fact that we remain in exile is eloquent testimony to the failures of our religious experiment. Our sages tell us that it was due to interpersonal issues that we were exiled. As we have not yet fully returned from exile, it is clear that we have yet to rectify that issue.

Why have we failed? How can we change things?

Repeating what hasn't worked will only prepetuate more of the same.

I am not at all advocating a repudiation of Torah, and a Torah way of life. Quite the contrary. I am advocating an honest reappraisal of the principles of that life, so we can get rid of our hearts of stone and develop hearts of flesh.