Making it Real

When I was a teenager I struggled with my belief system. Although I had been raised Orthodox and had spent all my life attending Orthodox schools and was very familiar with the basic tents of Orthodox belief, I had never internalized them to make them truly mine. They were superficial at best. That changed, as I have written before, when some girls approached me and asked me challenging questions about my belief system. After successfully answering all their challenges I realized that if I truly believed in what I was saying then it was incumbent upon me to make serious changes in how I was living my life. I did so; a process that continues to this day.

Now I face another great personal challenge, and I am daily put to the test as to how "real" my beliefs are. My family is going through a terribly difficult financial crisis about which I have written previously. It seems that almost daily my situation gets worse. My paycheck from a part time job cut substantially over the past few months, as careful as we try to be, checks are bouncing causing even more money to disappear. Serious concerns about malnutrition in the children. Nervous every time the phone rings that it is someone else, a bill collector, a school, a lender, who wants to be paid money we don't have. Realizing today that the car that I have been pushing finally cannot go any further without some money being put into it - money that simply doesn't exist. Following job lead after job lead and nothing coming. Dealing with the frustrations of those leads that look promising and fail to pan out for one reason or another. Worries about inability to pay rent and what that could mean.

And the bottom line question: how do I deal with this from a religious perspective? Can I go through a trial as frightening and painful as this and maintain my belief system? Do I really trust in God? Do I really believe that all this is for the best?

Those of you who have read my blog in the past are aware that I have tried to strengthen my belief muscles by engaging in a serious study of some of Rabbi Aroush's works. I have encouraged some of you personally to read them for your own growth or to deal with personal struggles.

Sometimes I feel that I know what Iyov (Job) went through trying to understand with his finite human mind what it was that God wanted from him. Why is God giving me this challenge? Is it a punishment? Is it a challenge I need to overcome in order to bring about some tikkun (rectification)? In that case God, can you please make it clear to me what it is that I need to rectify and how. And give me the ability to do so. Are my prayers for such help and turning to God and letting him know that I know of nothing more to do going to bring about the response I think I need? Will His seeing all the efforts we are expending to change our situation be considered by Him to be sufficient sweat of our brows that we receive the bread we need?

Will I end up embittered and depressed, broken and morose if my situation doesn't change soon? I have striven my entire life to never allow any situation, difficult as it may be to leave me bitter. Will I fail this test?

Will all my efforts at building my emunah stand me in good stead and prove they are real? Or will I fail and show that I have not yet made it real for me.

Thinking

Rabbi Nachman of Breslev told over many fascinating stories replete with messages for all of us. One of my favorites is the story of The Wise Man and the Simple Man. Rabbi Shalom Aroush has written (in Hebrew) a wonderful commentary on this story.
I want to share something I found inspirational.
In the story, the "simple" man, needing a profession, just goes out and quickly becomes a cobbler. The wise man, by contrast, takes his time deciding what to do with his life. At one point he stops and thinks to himself about what to do and then strolls around the local martketplace looking for a job.
Rabbi Aroush comments on his attitude:
Thinking things through ahead of time is certainly an important trait, especuially when one is faced with life altering decisions. But it is vital tha tthe thinking is predicated upon the wisdom of God, and not on the persons's own wisdom. As occurs in this story, one who relies on his own wisdom, is doomed to failure.
The "wise" man neglects to pray to God, nor does he consult with Him. He doesn't ask God what He wants him to do, what his destiny in life is, what is his purpose and what is his mandate.
Finding these things can only come about through formal, as well as personal (hisbodidus) prayer. God is the only one who knows what is best for a person in this world, as He knows the root of every soul. He knows why each person has come to the world, and can see the whole picture and knows how each individual fits into it.
Anyone who is honest with himself knows that he has no idea where he/she is heading. Do you know why you are here and what is good for you? Look around and you will notice that most people are unhappy with their professions. Had they consulted with God and asked Him for direction everything would have been easy. They would have discovered a destiny in which they would have found satisfaction.
As I read those words I found myself feeling quite convicted. How many times have I made important decisions without consulting properly with God beforehand? How many ties have I relied on my own intellect without connecting it to His?