Hurting Someone's Feelings vs. Mitzvos

Some stories about prioritizing. Do you criticize someone who is making a mistake in doing a Mitzvah, if doing so will embarrass him?

Becoming a Triangle

Rav Kook writes that there is a fundamental disticntion between Torah study and the study of other topics. He explains that whereas Torah study has the ability to change the inner workings of a person, the study of other topics does not have the same effect.
This brings to mind a well known story about Bertrand Russell. Whereas he was a very famous professor of philosophy, in his private life his morals were quite corrupt. When questioned about this dichotomy he responded that if he was a geometry professor, would he be expected to look like a triangle?!
Clearly he did not expect his study and teaching to have an effect on who he was as a person. Why is Torah study different?
Rav Kook explains that this is because when one studies Torah one is connecting to the eternal wellsprings of life. The connection to the source brings new life to the person constantly and enables a person to undergo renewal regularly. This is not the case when one is engaged in the study of other topics.
Is this true from personal experience? I cannot say that Torah study has always, or even usually, had that effect on me, or from what I see, on others. At the same time I have seen people turn their lives around without the benefit of Torah. How does this work?

WWGD

There are times when righteous people have difficulty accepting those who are less righteous than they are. The result is that they end up dealing with such people in a way which ends up distancing them even more from the path of Torah. That is not what God wants. He wants the righteous to love others and accept them as they are. Even if God himself is angry with someone He wants the righteous to pray on their behalf and draw them close. Rabbi Nosson of Breslov

Getting rid of the scorpion

The true service of God is giving one's self over to God's will, whether or not the person is successful in performing all of his actions properly. When he is not successful at walking in the way Of God, he can still deepen his own self-nullification to God. He can play even by the lair of the scorpion and find the light of God there, and realize that despite what he may, or may not, have done, God is still with him.

The forces of evil Mt. Seir, is really just a ball of hair (שעיר - שער) which has no substance. It is just the voices of negativity that attempt to convince a person that whereas he may have had a life of meaning in the past, he is presently incapable of such a life. This is false. One needs to work on having a childlike approach. Just like a child is always aware of his parents' presence, so too we must make ourselves aware of the presence of God.

Lean Into Discomfort

I was reading a book entitled Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and found the following on page 68:

Rather than avoiding a feeling, your goal should be to move toward the emotion, into it, and eventually through it... even for boredom, confusion, or anticipation. When you ignore an emotion... you miss the opportunity to do something productive.

This approach is quite different than that which I was taught growing up and in Yeshivos. We were always taught to quash negative emotions. If you are learning and bored, something is the matter with you; you should feel guilty about it. Change you attitude.

Many great works of Torah based self-improvement will tell parents to minimize the emotion shown to a child, and tell of stories of how great men controlled and overcame their emotions for example when losing a child on a holiday. Anger should be banished.

The only place I recall seeing a vestige of the concept expressed here is when the Baal Shem Tov teaches that if one has an improper thought during prayer, rather than banishing it, as others teach, he should go with the thought and elevate it.

Honestly, I am still trying to truly understand what the Baal Shem Tov meant, as well as what this books means. But I have tried the book's advice a few times over the last few days to get a new experience. Rather than run from what it is that I am experiencing, I have allowed myself to think about it and let the feeling take me to its conclusion. By that time any negativity in the feeling has usually dissipated.

Rely on Who?

The following comes from the commentary of Rabbi Moshe Dovid Valle on Mishle (Proverbs) 3:2.

Many people become full of themselves when they acquire knowledge; they feel they can rely on their own unnderstanding in order to succeed in all areas of lifeBy doing so they lose out because they stop placing their trust in God, the primary source of success without whom success is impossible. This is why Shlomo HaMelech warns us "Trust in God with all your heart, and on your understanding do not rely." There is no bread for the wise, no riches for the understanding and no favor for the knowledgable. Rather, it all comes from God.

Man's understanding is too limited to achieve his destiny. Trust in God with no understanding is more productive than understanding lacking trust. We can see this from King Solomon's own life in which he transgressed the word of Hashem in having too many horses, wives and too much money.

Introspection?

The following comes from Yam HaChochmah, teachings of Rabbi Yitzchok Meir Morgenstern in his explanation of Tanya.
It is damaging for a person to ponder too much about his personal situation. Even though it is proper to examine ones behavior daily to see what behaviors need to be rectified and in what areas he owes thanks to Hashem, still one must remember that God does not come to a person with unreasonable criticisms. It is wrong for a person to live with a constant fear that perhaps his behavior is improper in some way. This attitude flies in the face of knowing that God directs the world. God gave each person unique abilities and situations. Trying to overthink that perhaps you are fooling yourself shows a lack of belief.
Even though you must serve Hashem to the best of your ability, you must also rely on the fact that God is all-merciful and He will help you complete your task. To achieve this understanding truly takes much work.

Affirming Emunah

Conventionally we understand Emunah to simply be faith that something will turn out a certain way. The Apter Rov explains that it can also be understood in light of the verse in the Megillah referring to Mordechai saying ויהי אומן את הדסה And he raised הדסה. The word אומן is similar to the word אמונה. He explains that this is because through the power of Emunah, you can bring something that is only potential into actuality.

Hashem has an infinite amount of good to give to each and every one of us. Our problem is that we don't truly believe that. We spend our lives in doubt as to whether or not we can be successful in all areas of our lives - the material and the spiritual. If we would truly believe that the good was out there waiting for us, and that all we need to do is take some steps and touch it, then we would find that good much sooner.

One way to accomplish this is by thinking os speaking to yourself about the good that is there for you. Say that it is there. Affirm that you have it. And through the power of Emunah to bring something into fruition it will be yours.

Finding Hope

It is so frustrating to achieve spiritual growth, and then to find yourself falling back. Ever have that depressing feeling when you realize that some spiritual activity that used to bring you such satisfaction is no longer exciting you, even worse that you can barely muster up the strength to continue the behavior?

You need to realize that just as in the history of the Jewish Nation there have been periods of light and periods of darkness, the same is true in the life of each and every person. And it is always darkest before dawn. The most spiritual day of the week is Shabbos. Friday is frequently the most spiritually trying day of the week. All of the forces of darkness are aligned to prevent you from reaching the light. They attack you primarily with the frustration that you simply can't do it.

The only way to overcome this feeling is with the realization that in that darkness God can be found. The moment you truly recognize that is when the darkness begins to lift. Look for Him in those darkest places and salvation will come. "I am the Lord your God who took you out of the land of Egypt." In the most spiritually repulsive place on earth, God was there.

The above is a synopsis of something written by Rabbi Yitzchok Isaac of Kamorna. It is something I have really tried to internalize over the past two years. Still very much a work in progress, but then everything good we can accomplish is a lifetime of a work in progress.

Off the Bus, in the Snow

We sat in front of the fireplace, eleven men who had never met before, wondering what was in store for us over the weekend. Somberly, a man approached us one by one and told us to go upstairs. Someone would meet us at the top of the steps. It seemed very mysterious; even ominous.
When my turn came I headed upstairs. At the first landing I was met by a strangely dressed Middle Eastern man. He nodded at me and told me to continue up the steps. At the second landing I was met by a man with a distinctively Russian accent. He too nodded and told me to continue. By now I was wondering if I had wandered into some sort of international intrigue.
At the top of the steps I was met by a Chassidic garb. He told me to proceed into the room and find a chair with my name on it. I was instructed to remain silent after taking my seat. Indeed, the first set on instructions given to us when we were all seated, was that we were to remain silent for the entire weekend unless given permission to speak. We were not to use cell-phones, nor were we to be busy with email during our spare time, of which there was none anyway.
Thus began the most fascinating weekend of my life. As the Great Blizzard of 2010 raged outside, inside eleven men tried to learn from eleven staff members how to transform their lives for the better. Over the course of a decade a group of men in Baltimore gathered weekly to learn how to become better people. From both a Torah, as well as psychological, perspective the more one is in touch with his inner self, the greater understanding one has of who he is, the healthier he will be in his relationships and ability to cope with life. But how does one come to this point?
Eventually, they felt they had developed tools for moving closer to emotional well being that could be shared with others. To do so, they formed an organization called Call of the Shofar. Led by Rabbi Simcha Frischling, weekend retreats dedicated to self-transformation are held several times a year in the United States and Israel. For those who take full advantage of the opportunity it can truly be a life-changing event.
There is no way to put the three-day experience into words. Rabbi Frischling tried to explain it to me a year ago. He couldn’t do justice. It is an emotionally charged experience that dry words cannot capture. But I will try.
Are you a man who ever feels insecure, that no one loves you, that you are a failure? Do you find yourself getting angry, and wish you weren’t? Do you frequently find yourself making decisions not on the basis of what you know to be right or wrong, but on the basis of what others will think of your actions? Or of what you think they will think of your actions? Do you feel that you could or should be doing much more with your life, but aren’t? Have you tried all sorts of techniques to deal with these issues and found that they didn’t work?
Have you ever wondered why you feel the way you do? Do you have negative thought patterns that you can’t seem to get rid of that turn into self-fulfilling prophecies?
We worked on exercises to recognize how we feel when we are ignored or spoken to in an insensitive manner. We shared with each other the areas in which we knew we were lacking. And we bonded.
Have you ever had a desire to open up to someone else about a personal issue but were afraid to? Were you scared of what they might think of you after you shared your deepest fears or sins? Were you worried that others might find out about your shortcomings? The most beautiful part of the weekend was the creation of a trusting and loving atmosphere in which every man knew he could share whatever he chose to and would be met by love, compassion and support.
From the yeshiva bachur year-old to the zaidy, from the man wearing a kippah sruga to the man who wears a shtriemel, from the farmer to the doctor, from the college student to the rebbe, everyone was together in love and harmony. Men who had never cried before, or at least not in front of others, were opening up and allowing light to shine on their darkest places. Together we talked, we danced, we exercised, we ate, we learned, we sang, we screamed, we breathed, we shared, and we grew.
Every man had a chance to probe deep into his psyche to figure out why and where his insecurities were born. He was given a chance to go back to the roots and fight his demons. He was allowed to plot a course for a future of well-being, and how to take what he learned to help another person.
We learned how each of us has busses of negativity that we tend to ride on every now and then. Busses that take us on a ride through all the negative thought processes that have plagued our lives. We were given the chance to recognize those busses for what they were, and take the opportunity to get off at the next stop and continue our lives from a more positive standpoint.
A closer bond between 22 men cannot possibly form any faster than it did over the weekend. The deeper the snow got, the deeper our relationships became and the deeper we probed into our minds and hearts. By the time we had to part from each other, we were resolved to remain in touch. Many of us would be meeting weekly at follow-up groups to take the beginning steps we had made and firm them into a lifetime of healthier relationships.
As we went home we each knew that we were a better person than we were before the weekend had begun. If you don’t believe me, ask my wife.

If you would like more information about this program, please contact me.

Back to the Simple Man and the Wise Man

Rebbe Nachman goes on to tell how the Wise Man was given by the king a precious diamond to shape. He made a slight error as he was working on it. It created a flaw that no one other than he would ever be aware off. But he was beside himself. He could not bear the fact that he had made a mistake. He was less than perfect.

Rabbi Aroush contrasts this with the attitude of the Simple Man who was happy no matter what misfortune befell him, or what mistakes he had made. If the Simple Man's joy at all times was because he understood that all the happened to him was the will of Hashem, then it stands to reason that the lack of joy for the Wise Man was because he did not believe that what happened to him was the will of Hashem. He thought that being perfect was something over which he had control. Hashem was sending him messages to remind him that no one is perfect. As long as he thought he was, or could be, Hashem was going to show him in both his personal and professional life, that he wasn't.

"What good is all my wisdom," asked the Wise Man, "if I still make mistakes!" Here comes the self-recrimination. he is beating himself up because of his own haughtiness and lacks the ability to forgive himself at all. He has the ability to be perfect. He made a mistake. It is his fault that he erred. Why wasn't he successful?

He is castigating himself because he refuses to recognize that he is not the master of any of these things.

Continuing the Pursuit

I want to add to and emphasize what I wrote in my last blog.

Accepting my imperfections does not only mean accepting that others are becoming aware of my imperfections. That may actually be easier than accepting to myself that I am imperfect. How often was I able to do things that were improper yet somehow able to view myself as this perfectly behaved human being and ignore the more depraved side of myself?

We need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and say "you may not be perfect,, but that's fine." That is a lot healthier than either struggling to be perfect in an imperfect world, or being imperfect and not being honest with yourself.

The Pursuit of Imperfection

Shaul HaMelech (King Saul) was a man who spent his life without any wrongdoing. Our sages tell us that he was like a one-year old who had never done anything wrong. By contrast, Dovid HaMelech (King David) transgressed a number of sins in his time. The Talmud points out that whereas Dovid's several sins did not cause him to lose the monarchy, Shaul's one sin marked the end of his reign.

This seems unfair. Why should Shaul be punished so severely for just one sin, while Dovid commits several and is allowed to retain his position? The Sfas Emes explains that Shaul's entire standing was his perfection. Perfection does not allow room for any errors. As such, once he erred, even though it was just one time, he was no longer the perfect man. His standing and position were lost. Dovid on the other hand personifies the person who realizes that he is nothing without the help of Hashem. He is flawed and frail and must always turn to God for support. He completely nullifies himself before God. For such a person, one error, even many errors, does not represent the destruction of their entire standing.

So Shaul sinned, and his kingdom was lost. As time went on he entered into a downward spiral of anger, insanity, murder and other wrongdoing. Despite that, when he visited a necromancer on the night before his death, the prophet Shmuel told Shaul that tomorrow "you will be with me." Our sages understand that to mean that Shaul would have a place next to Shmuel in the World-to-Come. How did he merit that after all he had done wrong. How and where do we find him changing his behavior and meriting an eternal seat next to Shmuel?

The lies in Shaul's perfection; or in the flaw of his perfection. When Shmuel told him to kill out all the Amalekites Shaul demurred. He rationalized that God could not possibly want him to kill people he viewed as innocent and wantonly destroy all their belongings. He allowed his sense of righteous perfection to overrule the words of the prophet. The Talmud says that a voice came out from heaven and chastised him "Do not be overly righteous." His very pursuit of perfection had now become his downfall.

Even if he truly believed all of his rationalizations as to why he should not wipe out the Amalekites, even though he did not wish to sully his hands with the "sin" of killing them, he should have ignored his own feelings and heeded the Navi . But his own sense of perfection did not allow him to.

The only way he could now rectify that was by allowing himself to be less than perfect. He had to do something he knew was a sin, but do it anyway because he knew it was right. This is why on the night before his death he was left with no choice but to go to the necromancer. He sullied himself with sin, because he felt he needed some advice for the good of the nation and had no place else to turn. He had to give up his own sense of being without blemish, before he could become the perfectly righteous man before God.

Learning his lesson from his previous mistake he did so. He sinned, but for all the right reasons. He sacrificed his innocence on the altar of doing what was right. By doing so he merited a place next to Shmuel.

There is a lesson here for all of us. Or maybe I should just say that there is a lesson here for me. Too many times in my life I have been faced with the choice of retaining the appearance of being very righteous, or doing what was right. Too many times I chose the appearance, rather than what was truly right before God.

As Shmuel told Shaul, listening to God is better than a sacrifice; paying attention to God is better than the fat of rams on the altar. In a selfish pursuit of spirituality we may chose to engage in all sorts of spiritual activities, while ignoring what God really wants. Have we become more Godly, or have we just fed our own egos and enhanced our self-image?

Truly being Godly, as King David was, means not concerning ones self with how righteous ones is or isn't, or how righteously one is perceived by others. It is contingent on doing what is right before God, and nothing else.

This is a lesson that I need to remind myself about every single day of my life ...