Don't confuse me with the facts

On Sunday mornings, I have been studying Rabbi Aroush's work on marriage with a small group. The book is available in both Hebrew and English; they are two very different works. We have been using the Hebrew edition.

This week, what we read focused on the need for honesty in marriage. Specifically the author was focusing on the fact that frequently when spouses disagree about doing something, one of them will choose to do it and lie about having done it to their spouse. He explains that even though the Talmud permits "changing" one's story for the sake of peace, that doesn't apply in this case. He explains that such changing is only permissible when one does something with all the best of intentions and then something goes wrong which may upset another party. In that case one may embellish the facts in a way that will keep the peace. But the Talmud does not permit proactively and intentionally creating a situation in which one will feel compelled to lie to protect himself after having engaged in an activity in which he/she should not have been involved to begin with!

I have to confess that leading this discussion group puts me in a sometimes funny position; as I have not always been a model husband, I can feel at times like a hypocrite sharing with others how to be proper husbands. I "protect" myself by saying repeatedly that everything I am sharing applies to me as much as to anyone else.

Especially with this issue, I have to admit that in the past I have often abused the permit to fudge on the truth for the sake of peace. I have to keep this lesson at the forefront of my mind with everything I do, so I do not abuse it in the future.

If not now...

I should have written this post hours ago. I didn't. I am a procrastinator.

This morning I was thinking of a few things I had to do. For each one I had a reason why doing them tomorrow would be much better. So, I sat there trying to figure out what to do with myself, as I had nothing to do right then.

At that moment I caught myself, and became cognizant of the folly of my procrastination. I got up and got one of the tasks done.

What struck me as interesting is that I have been engaging regularly in hisbodedus, personal prayer as taught by the Breslever Chasidim, especially Rabbi Shalom Aroush, of whom I have written earlier. One of the things I have repeatedly asked God to help me with, is this particular character trait. Today was the first time I really felt internally like I was receiving God's assistance to overcome this particular trait.

I am thankful for this one, small, victory, though I realize I still have a long way to go to rid myself of this scourge.

I should really pray right now, everything is quiet in the house, so that I don't lose my rhythm. Or maybe I will just pray later...

Crash

Last night I was parking outside of a public building into which I had to run for a couple of minutes. As I parked, I noticed someone backing out of the parking lot and backing into a car parked across the street. The sound made it obvious that there was a bit of damage. My view of the damage was blocked, but I was glad to see the driver get out and examine the damage. I proceeded into the building.

I emerged a few minutes later and saw the very obvious large dent on the door of the car that was hit. The perpetrator was no where to be found. As I opened the door of my car, I saw someone emerge from an apartment and approach the car that was hit. He stopped in shock as he saw the dent on his car door. I emerged from my car and asked him if someone had left a note accepting responsibility for hitting him. He said no one had. I made some efforts to help him find the responsible party, I don't know if he was identified.

I must admit that I walked away fro this event sorely disappointed and saddened that someone would act that way.

But then I began to look at myself in the mirror, and think of all the times I have not properly taken responsibility for the consequences of my behavior. I have certainly acted in ways similar to this person in the past. If I am so quick to judge the hit and run man for his shirking, surely that puts the onus on me to make sure that I am taking proper responsibility for whatever I do.

All too often it is easy to feel that you can get away with it, especially when no one else sees and knows what you have done. True integrity is demonstrated by how you conduct yourself when no one else is looking. Don't you want to be honest to yourself? Generally, if you aren't, and you aren't a psychopath, then trying to get away with such a thing ends up making you feel pretty awful. Why put yourself through that misery?

Thinking

Rabbi Nachman of Breslev told over many fascinating stories replete with messages for all of us. One of my favorites is the story of The Wise Man and the Simple Man. Rabbi Shalom Aroush has written (in Hebrew) a wonderful commentary on this story.
I want to share something I found inspirational.
In the story, the "simple" man, needing a profession, just goes out and quickly becomes a cobbler. The wise man, by contrast, takes his time deciding what to do with his life. At one point he stops and thinks to himself about what to do and then strolls around the local martketplace looking for a job.
Rabbi Aroush comments on his attitude:
Thinking things through ahead of time is certainly an important trait, especuially when one is faced with life altering decisions. But it is vital tha tthe thinking is predicated upon the wisdom of God, and not on the persons's own wisdom. As occurs in this story, one who relies on his own wisdom, is doomed to failure.
The "wise" man neglects to pray to God, nor does he consult with Him. He doesn't ask God what He wants him to do, what his destiny in life is, what is his purpose and what is his mandate.
Finding these things can only come about through formal, as well as personal (hisbodidus) prayer. God is the only one who knows what is best for a person in this world, as He knows the root of every soul. He knows why each person has come to the world, and can see the whole picture and knows how each individual fits into it.
Anyone who is honest with himself knows that he has no idea where he/she is heading. Do you know why you are here and what is good for you? Look around and you will notice that most people are unhappy with their professions. Had they consulted with God and asked Him for direction everything would have been easy. They would have discovered a destiny in which they would have found satisfaction.
As I read those words I found myself feeling quite convicted. How many times have I made important decisions without consulting properly with God beforehand? How many ties have I relied on my own intellect without connecting it to His?

Reading List

There are countless works of mussar (self improvement) that exists on the market. Having learnt many of them over the years, I still felt that something was missing. How do you get it in your heart?
Recently, I have begun to learn three seforim that address this issue. While I can't say that any of them have solved the problem for me, they have given me great direction as to how to get the Torah into my heart the way it should be.
First and foremost are the seforim of Rav Sholom Aroush. Offering an approach based on Breslove Chassidus he discusses frankly the issues of truly chaning oneself and how to overcome the challenge. The main factors on which he focuses are emunah and hisbodidus, which in his parlance refers to speaking out your heart to Hashem outside of formal tefilah (prayer). Three of his works are available in English, and many more in Hebrew. Additionally, there are hundreds of CDs that you can listen to from him, or his translator Lazer Brody. They are reasonably priced and reenforce the mesages of the books. There are also many articles available online that share their thoughts.

Why write?

I am starting this new blog in order to share with you my explorations in learning how to purify my heart. I hope that this can become a forum in which others can share their struggles, insights, and achievements with others.

The purpose of Torah study and a life dedicated to Mitzvah performance is to bring a person closer to G-d; essentially to develop a personal relationship with Him. This should result in a nation of people who are refined in their character and all areas of behavior.

Unfortunately, it hasn't quite worked that way. The fact that we remain in exile is eloquent testimony to the failures of our religious experiment. Our sages tell us that it was due to interpersonal issues that we were exiled. As we have not yet fully returned from exile, it is clear that we have yet to rectify that issue.

Why have we failed? How can we change things?

Repeating what hasn't worked will only prepetuate more of the same.

I am not at all advocating a repudiation of Torah, and a Torah way of life. Quite the contrary. I am advocating an honest reappraisal of the principles of that life, so we can get rid of our hearts of stone and develop hearts of flesh.