Oh Lord It's Hard to be Haughty

As we continue on with Rebbe Nachman's story of the Wise Man and the Simple Man, the Wise Man is on his way home. His trip is miserable. As he was so much smarter than any of his traveling companions, he had no one with whom to speak on the way. Every time he stopped for the night his accommodations were miserable. His wisdom wasn't doing him any good, it was destroying his life!
His haughtiness made him look down on others to the point where he lacked the ability to relate socially with others. In order to justify this attitude he constantly found fault with the efforts and accomplishments of all those around him. It verified his knowledge that he was so much wiser. After all, if he was in charge none of those mistakes would be made.
Presumably his negative attitude would have caused him to be constantly angry, as is frequently the style of negative people. "This meal is too hot! This dish hasn't got enough salt. Why did they design this hotel room in this manner, and fool knows that..."
After reading all this it was time for some serious soul searching. First for the good (relatively speaking) part. I certainly have a natural tendency to be critical and negative. There have been times in my life when I have looked at everything (and I mean everything) around me and found fault in all of it. I then let those I deemed responsible know very clearly how I felt about it, in pretty rude and angry terminology. Thank God I have managed to a large extent to move beyond that. Although I can at times still be negative, it is not as much as it was, and I do not react with the old vehemence.
I have accomplished this by really trying to work on what is true humility. I have looked at my own faults and realized that I am far from perfect. I expect others to tolerate my faults; I should tolerate theirs. God grants me life and much good, despite my faults and wrongdoings and we are mandated to emulate Him.
Beyond that, I have worked to focus on the good in things and not on the negative. I try to have the presence of mind to bite my tongue from presenting my initial reaction and to seek to find something good to say.
Rabbi Aroush offers another, very powerful, way of viewing negative situations which I find helpful and will elaborate upon in my next posting.
As far as the relating to others goes, that is also an area in which I am very lacking. I have always had a certain shyness and a difficulty making friends, especially when meeting a total stranger, and don't easily socialize and make small talk. In the past I always chalked it up to shyness, whatever that means.
More recently I have been trying to understand the same point Rabbi Aroush makes here. I need to understand within myself what aspect of this shyness is really based in a haughtiness which allows me to feel I cannot relate to others whom I perceive as not being my intellectual equals. As I mentioned in a previous post, attitudes like this are really rooted in a lack of self-esteem.
Still lots of work to do.

Oh Lord It's Hard to be Humble

As I continue on in Rebbe Nachman's story of the Wise Man and the Simple Man, the wise man is at the point where he is ready to settle down and get married. But he feels he must return to his hometown to accomplish that task. Why? Not because the girl next door is cut out to be a better wife. Rather it is because if he returns home the people will admire what he has made of himself after coming from humble origins. In his present location the people don't quite appreciate all he has become.
Rabbi Aroush points out the illness inherent in pursuing honor. Such a person is hurt if anyone doesn't treat him with the proper respect. He is unable to receive any criticism. If the point is valid he simply falls apart. He constantly argues and always has to be right.
Whoa! I really was feeling convicted by all this. From the time I was a small child I was always worried about what others thought of me, and did all I could to impress others. I did not do a good job of taking criticism, and was a well known arguer.
As Rabbi Aroush points out, the only way to overcome these issues is by having trust and faith in God. All honor is truly His, not yours. Whatever you have comes from God; don't look for you to receive honor for yourself from it.

Black Hole

Sometimes I can get down; I can pretty much feel like giving up. It can take a lot out of me to keep pushing myself to go on despite all the obstacles that are before me. The Ishbitzer Rebbe suggests that this attitude is what the Torah is addressing when it writes about Chilul Hashem. Conventionally, this is understood to mean acting in a manner that desecrates the name of God, but he takes it one step further. He says that the word Chilul (חילול) shares the same Hebrew word as Chalal (חלל) a hole, or depression.

He explains that the root cause of giving up is the feeling that it is beyond God's ability to assist the person out of his predicament. The person lacks the ability at that time to find the light of God in his situation, and feels that God is absent.

In that sense the person ready to give up is saying that there is a hole, a void, where God is absent; whereas in truth, God is omnipotent. It is that attitude of there being a hole in God, so to speak, that the Torah is telling us is the root of depression and the ultimate desecration of God.

This is very much a Breslev type of approach wherein it is understood that being down and depressed is the greatest possible sin. I have seen that Rabbi Aruosh writes that the cause of frustration and depression is that the person feels that he is on his own and he needs to accomplish the task, and finds himself wanting. In truth any person doesn't have the tools needed to complete the task. Everyone needs God's help to accomplish. Getting out of the frustrated frame of mind requires the cognizance that it is God who will get the task done, and leaving it up to Him to do so. By bringing God back in, the void is filled, God is back, and the problems go away.

Don't confuse me with the facts

On Sunday mornings, I have been studying Rabbi Aroush's work on marriage with a small group. The book is available in both Hebrew and English; they are two very different works. We have been using the Hebrew edition.

This week, what we read focused on the need for honesty in marriage. Specifically the author was focusing on the fact that frequently when spouses disagree about doing something, one of them will choose to do it and lie about having done it to their spouse. He explains that even though the Talmud permits "changing" one's story for the sake of peace, that doesn't apply in this case. He explains that such changing is only permissible when one does something with all the best of intentions and then something goes wrong which may upset another party. In that case one may embellish the facts in a way that will keep the peace. But the Talmud does not permit proactively and intentionally creating a situation in which one will feel compelled to lie to protect himself after having engaged in an activity in which he/she should not have been involved to begin with!

I have to confess that leading this discussion group puts me in a sometimes funny position; as I have not always been a model husband, I can feel at times like a hypocrite sharing with others how to be proper husbands. I "protect" myself by saying repeatedly that everything I am sharing applies to me as much as to anyone else.

Especially with this issue, I have to admit that in the past I have often abused the permit to fudge on the truth for the sake of peace. I have to keep this lesson at the forefront of my mind with everything I do, so I do not abuse it in the future.

If not now...

I should have written this post hours ago. I didn't. I am a procrastinator.

This morning I was thinking of a few things I had to do. For each one I had a reason why doing them tomorrow would be much better. So, I sat there trying to figure out what to do with myself, as I had nothing to do right then.

At that moment I caught myself, and became cognizant of the folly of my procrastination. I got up and got one of the tasks done.

What struck me as interesting is that I have been engaging regularly in hisbodedus, personal prayer as taught by the Breslever Chasidim, especially Rabbi Shalom Aroush, of whom I have written earlier. One of the things I have repeatedly asked God to help me with, is this particular character trait. Today was the first time I really felt internally like I was receiving God's assistance to overcome this particular trait.

I am thankful for this one, small, victory, though I realize I still have a long way to go to rid myself of this scourge.

I should really pray right now, everything is quiet in the house, so that I don't lose my rhythm. Or maybe I will just pray later...

Crash

Last night I was parking outside of a public building into which I had to run for a couple of minutes. As I parked, I noticed someone backing out of the parking lot and backing into a car parked across the street. The sound made it obvious that there was a bit of damage. My view of the damage was blocked, but I was glad to see the driver get out and examine the damage. I proceeded into the building.

I emerged a few minutes later and saw the very obvious large dent on the door of the car that was hit. The perpetrator was no where to be found. As I opened the door of my car, I saw someone emerge from an apartment and approach the car that was hit. He stopped in shock as he saw the dent on his car door. I emerged from my car and asked him if someone had left a note accepting responsibility for hitting him. He said no one had. I made some efforts to help him find the responsible party, I don't know if he was identified.

I must admit that I walked away fro this event sorely disappointed and saddened that someone would act that way.

But then I began to look at myself in the mirror, and think of all the times I have not properly taken responsibility for the consequences of my behavior. I have certainly acted in ways similar to this person in the past. If I am so quick to judge the hit and run man for his shirking, surely that puts the onus on me to make sure that I am taking proper responsibility for whatever I do.

All too often it is easy to feel that you can get away with it, especially when no one else sees and knows what you have done. True integrity is demonstrated by how you conduct yourself when no one else is looking. Don't you want to be honest to yourself? Generally, if you aren't, and you aren't a psychopath, then trying to get away with such a thing ends up making you feel pretty awful. Why put yourself through that misery?

Thinking

Rabbi Nachman of Breslev told over many fascinating stories replete with messages for all of us. One of my favorites is the story of The Wise Man and the Simple Man. Rabbi Shalom Aroush has written (in Hebrew) a wonderful commentary on this story.
I want to share something I found inspirational.
In the story, the "simple" man, needing a profession, just goes out and quickly becomes a cobbler. The wise man, by contrast, takes his time deciding what to do with his life. At one point he stops and thinks to himself about what to do and then strolls around the local martketplace looking for a job.
Rabbi Aroush comments on his attitude:
Thinking things through ahead of time is certainly an important trait, especuially when one is faced with life altering decisions. But it is vital tha tthe thinking is predicated upon the wisdom of God, and not on the persons's own wisdom. As occurs in this story, one who relies on his own wisdom, is doomed to failure.
The "wise" man neglects to pray to God, nor does he consult with Him. He doesn't ask God what He wants him to do, what his destiny in life is, what is his purpose and what is his mandate.
Finding these things can only come about through formal, as well as personal (hisbodidus) prayer. God is the only one who knows what is best for a person in this world, as He knows the root of every soul. He knows why each person has come to the world, and can see the whole picture and knows how each individual fits into it.
Anyone who is honest with himself knows that he has no idea where he/she is heading. Do you know why you are here and what is good for you? Look around and you will notice that most people are unhappy with their professions. Had they consulted with God and asked Him for direction everything would have been easy. They would have discovered a destiny in which they would have found satisfaction.
As I read those words I found myself feeling quite convicted. How many times have I made important decisions without consulting properly with God beforehand? How many ties have I relied on my own intellect without connecting it to His?