Making it Real

When I was a teenager I struggled with my belief system. Although I had been raised Orthodox and had spent all my life attending Orthodox schools and was very familiar with the basic tents of Orthodox belief, I had never internalized them to make them truly mine. They were superficial at best. That changed, as I have written before, when some girls approached me and asked me challenging questions about my belief system. After successfully answering all their challenges I realized that if I truly believed in what I was saying then it was incumbent upon me to make serious changes in how I was living my life. I did so; a process that continues to this day.

Now I face another great personal challenge, and I am daily put to the test as to how "real" my beliefs are. My family is going through a terribly difficult financial crisis about which I have written previously. It seems that almost daily my situation gets worse. My paycheck from a part time job cut substantially over the past few months, as careful as we try to be, checks are bouncing causing even more money to disappear. Serious concerns about malnutrition in the children. Nervous every time the phone rings that it is someone else, a bill collector, a school, a lender, who wants to be paid money we don't have. Realizing today that the car that I have been pushing finally cannot go any further without some money being put into it - money that simply doesn't exist. Following job lead after job lead and nothing coming. Dealing with the frustrations of those leads that look promising and fail to pan out for one reason or another. Worries about inability to pay rent and what that could mean.

And the bottom line question: how do I deal with this from a religious perspective? Can I go through a trial as frightening and painful as this and maintain my belief system? Do I really trust in God? Do I really believe that all this is for the best?

Those of you who have read my blog in the past are aware that I have tried to strengthen my belief muscles by engaging in a serious study of some of Rabbi Aroush's works. I have encouraged some of you personally to read them for your own growth or to deal with personal struggles.

Sometimes I feel that I know what Iyov (Job) went through trying to understand with his finite human mind what it was that God wanted from him. Why is God giving me this challenge? Is it a punishment? Is it a challenge I need to overcome in order to bring about some tikkun (rectification)? In that case God, can you please make it clear to me what it is that I need to rectify and how. And give me the ability to do so. Are my prayers for such help and turning to God and letting him know that I know of nothing more to do going to bring about the response I think I need? Will His seeing all the efforts we are expending to change our situation be considered by Him to be sufficient sweat of our brows that we receive the bread we need?

Will I end up embittered and depressed, broken and morose if my situation doesn't change soon? I have striven my entire life to never allow any situation, difficult as it may be to leave me bitter. Will I fail this test?

Will all my efforts at building my emunah stand me in good stead and prove they are real? Or will I fail and show that I have not yet made it real for me.

The Meeting

The day finally arrived that the Wise Man returned home. Without a jealous bone in his body the Simple Man ran out to greet his long gone friend.

How could he not feel any jealousy when he contrasted his own meager existence with the success of the Wise Man?

The answer is that when someone is happy with his lot, it affects his attitudes all around. He doesn't feel that he needs to be more successful than anyone else in order to find satisfaction in life. He can look at others with a spirit of generosity.

One who is dissatisfied with his lot in life is unhappy when he perceives others as being more successful than he. His dissatisfaction leads him to feel like a failure when he sees others. He loses sight of the fact that God gives each person his own opportunities and challenges. Looking outside for satisfaction is a recipe for a miserable life. A person needs to find happiness within himself as is.

Pointless

Rabbi Aroush continues on the discussion of people putting down others. He quotes Rebbe Nachman as continuing the story of the Simple Man by having the Simple Man say to those who would ridicule him "What does it do for you to be smarter than I am."

Rabbi Aroush explains that if the whole point of putting someone down is to show that you are better than they are and you put them down to the ground to make that point, where does that leave you? Better than this person whom you have just made into a nothing?! Then you are what? A nothing+?

Besides which, he adds, what is this entire concept of being better than someone else? What criterion is being used? Each of us is exactly what God wanted us to be; we are each perfect in our own way. How can one be better than another?

The Real Trick

A certain Rabbi saw people making fun of someone. It was obvious from their demeanor that they thought that their behavior was demonstrating how smart and clever they were. He approached them and said "Do you think that knocking someone down takes brains?! Building someone up is a task that requires much more wisdom."

Any fool can destroy something that took great skill to build. Destruction requires no wisdom; building does. Putting others down, ridiculing them, causing others pain are not activities that speak well for someone's wisdom. Uplifting and encouraging others, helping others build self-respect, and showing them the path to success, are ways to show ones wisdom.

This is a common mistake made by parents. They feel they must ridicule their children in order to keep them in line. By doing so they destroy the spirit of the child.

In our story, the Simple Man was slow, had he not been strong in his faith in God that all of his faults were for his best, he would have been destroyed by the ridicule that was poured upon him. It would have destroyed his self-respect and led him to depression.

I read this also and can easily apply it to myself. I have been on both sides. I have been the perpetrator of ridicule, and I have allowed myself to be affected by the ridicule of others. Neither behavior has stood me in good stead.

I have had to retrain myself in terms of how I respond to people and the type of comments that easily flow out of my mouth. I have had to learn to stop and think before I speak. I needed to work on caring for others and on putting myself in their shoes before I open my mouth about them.

It has been much more difficult to learn how not to allow the words of others to hurt me. I am still working on learning to seek approval only from God and not from anyone else.

The Happy Simple Man

Everyone made fun of the Simple Man. They all indulged in their lust for fun making by taking it out on him.

What was he doing wrong that they treated him in this manner? He was not acting in a way that affected anyone else negatively. He was not running around town screaming like a lunatic. He was not harming anyone else's property! He only looked strange to them because he was always happy, and the other people could not comprehend his joy.

Too often we find an excuse to ridicule others who are really guilty of nothing other than being different. That difference bothers us (it is really we who need the psychological help to deal with that) and we respond with ridicule and scorn.

Mark down another area in which I have had to work hard for a long time. Every time I think of this topic I am reminded of a boy who went to high school with me; he was really weird. And I made sure he knew that was my opinion of him. I get so ashamed of my behavior back then whenever I think about it. Even more so when the reality is that our scorn is really due to an inner jealousy of the fact that someone else has found peace in a way that we have not merited to find.

Approval

Rebbe Nachman writes that one of the worst ailments a person can have is that of constantly worrying what others are thinking of you. It leads to a person conducting his life not on the basis of his understanding of right and wrong, but based on his perception of how others will view his behavior. Rebbe Nachman points out that one who has this issue can't possibly pray in a synagogue. Rather than focusing on the words, and on connecting to God, he will worry how others are viewing him as he prayers. He will begin to do the motions of looking as if he is fervently praying, rather than actually doing so.

This is something of which I have been very guilty of in the past. I feel as if he is speaking directly to me, even though I know I have moved beyond this. I recall vividly as a kid stretching out my Shemoneh Esray in order to give people the impression I was intently into my prayers. It affected other areas of my life. There were times when I was uncomfortable walking through a crowd as I was sure everyone was staring at me and watching me walk.

Truly getting comfortable in my own skin has been a lengthy and ongoing process. A lot of it has to do with learning about the love of Hashem for me, and drawing on works such as Rabbi Aroush's seforim.

The World was Created for Me

Imagine there was no one else in the world. There was no one who was living a better life than you, at least from your perspective. No one had a better job, a larger house, faster car, or a better-looking spouse. Would you feel better? How muuch of the heartache that you have comes from the perception that others are doing better than you, and you don't have it as good? Does it make you feel like a failure? Does it make you feel like God has it in for you?

To combat such a feeling try to internalize the idea that the world was created just for you. You are it. There is no one else in the world. No one else counts from your perspective. There is no one and nothing of which to be jealous...

Phantom

One of my favorite books is the Phantom Tollbooth. I long ago lost count of the number of times I read it as a child, and when my children first became old enough to read it, I read it again. It has been many years since I last picked it up, but I did so today.

For those of you who are not familiar with the book, there is a lot of wisdom within the puns and jokes. It is worth re-reading it as an adult to pick up on what you missed as a child.

It was lying on the kitchen table and I noticed that this edition had an introduction written by Maurice Sendak. This isn't the place to discuss his praises as well. He begins his introduction by quoting a classic passage from the Phantom Tollbooth. It is one in which the lesson is so simple, yet so profound.

"I guess I just wasn't thinking," said Milo.

"PRECISELY," shouted the dog as his alarm went off again, "now you know what you must do."

"I'm afraid I don't," admitted Milo, feeling quite stupid.

"Well," continued the watchdog impatiently, "since you got here by not thinking, it seems reasonable to expect that in order to get out, you must start thinking." And with that he hopped into the car.

The Difference

Why is it that in Rebbe Nachman's story the Wise Man with all of his wisdom ended up floundering his whole life, while the Simple Man, despite all of his intellectual shortcomings, ended up so successful? The Wise Man would seem to have had a much easier path to travel to success. The path of the Simple man, by contrast, was strewn from the start with difficult obstacles!

The answer is really very simple. For all his wisdom, the Wise Man lost his faith. Seeing his great success, he took all the credit for himself, and forgot about the hand of God in his greatness. In his hubris he lost his relationship with God.

Unlike the Wise Man, hubris was not an option for the Simple Man. However, he could have easily fallen into despair, a malady as bad, if not worse. Instead he made a conscious decision to remain strong in his faith despite all the travails he had to endure. These decisions need to be made prior to a person heading down the path to corruption. Originally, they each had fine attitudes. It was when each saw how their life was going that they had to face the choice. Was it to be haughtiness or faith for the Wise Man; depression or faith for the Simple Man.

The Wise Man could only achieve faith by realizing he was far from perfect, despite the wondrous abilities he possessed. For the Simple Man, he needed the realization that he was the person God wanted him to be, in the situation he was meant to be in.

I see a bit of myself in all this. The Wise Man that is (is that haughtiness?). How much of what I accomplished so far in my life, did I attribute deep within myself to myself, and how much do I truly give to God?

The Struggle of Life

In his commentary on the Tanya, Rabbi Adin Steinsaltz shares the following insight (my translation from the Hebrew):
The soul alone, naked and unclothed in a body, is a holy entity, but one which is static. This is so because it has no opposition. Great Chassidic leaders have taught that if God wanted our love or our Torah study alone He could have created countless angels who would study Torah non-stop. But angels are static, they never improve. They are what they are.
The same is true for the soul as long as it is by itself. In order for it to add value, it needs opposition. The opposition is created by the animalistic aspect of the soul. It is not in opposition in the manner of an opponent that wishes to harm and destroy, rather it is the opposition born of the body/soul duality; from the ability to freely choose.
It is the opposition than enables a person to reach heights that a soul alone cannot reach.

Back to the Simple Man

I want to return, after a bit of a hiatus, to a continued discussion of Rebbe Namchman's story of the Simple Man and the Smart Man.
When he created the hideous triangular shoe, and his wife pointed out to him that it was not of the same quality and that of other cobblers, nor did it fetch the same price, the cobbler replied "That is what he does. This is what I do." Rabbi Aroush devotes a large portion of his interpretation of this story to explaining just these words. Before our hiatus we had discussed a bit of that explanation. Let's continue now...
This concept is meant to instill within us that each person has a specific direction from God that is appropriate for himself, and himself alone. Since the time of Creation no two people have been identical in this respect. Each person, and for each person each day, has a different task as to what must be accomplished. No one truly knows where he is up to in a particular task, or in a list of tasks.
This is why we cannot judge others. We have no clue at all as to the challenges others face, or what it is they are meant to be accomplishing.Remain focused on yourself, and yourself alone. Do not allow yourself to be thrown off either by other's successes or their failures, they have no bearing on you. Focus on your own task.
"The whole world was created for me." The whole world is being directed by God for you to achieve your task. Sometimes to reward you for a job well done, sometimes to prod you along.

Getting Personal

Continuing with yesterday's topic, and returning to the writings of Rabbi Shalom Aroush, we will focus again on personal prayer.

Rabbi Aroush mentions that all mitzvos (commandments) are the same for all people. Everyone puts on Tefillin the same way (not withstanding certain minor differences in custom), everyone has the same rules of kashrut, the prayer book is the same for all people.

It is only in the realm of personal prayer that each person is unique. For that matter each day's personal prayer is different as well. What is troubling the soul on Sunday is not the same as on Monday. The material needs of one month are different than another. Those things for which one must offer thanks one day are not the same the next.

It is within the realm of personal prayer that a person can truly develop an individual relationship with God. It is also, therefore, the area in which one can discover his own unique pathway in the world.

Internal Struggle

I have been struggling with not becoming depressed over the past few days as my family's financial situation has been quite precarious. I have been looking for a job, tried to start a business; nothing seems to be working. I have been turning to Tehilim (Psalms) for some solace and direction. At the moment, I have been finding Psalm 51 to be meaningful to myself.

I can relate to King David's struggles as he looks to find forgiveness for his faults, and not be be rejected by God. I find comfort in that I am not the only one who has feared rejection.

In verse 12 he says לב טהור ברא לי אלקים ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי. A pure heart create for me, O Lord, and a proper spirit renew within me. He continues in the next verse by saying אל תשליכני מלפניך ורוח קדשך אל תקח ממני. Do not reject me from before You, and Your holy spirit do not take from me.

As I read that last verse, I thought to myself that in this respect I am certainly not like King David. After all, I don't have the holy spirit to begin with. Subsequently I was looking at a wonderful anthology of commentary and it quoted something very meaningful to me from Rabbi Nachman of Breslev.

He says that any time a person engages in a personal dialogue with God, that is רוח הקדש, the holy spirit, speaking within him. The entire book of Psalms is all the dialogue of King David, it is the holy spirit that emanated from within him. But it is not limited to King David. Each of us can find that holy spirit within.

He suggests beginning by contemplating God and one's desire to relate to God. The more one thinks about it and focuses on this topic the more it will fill his heart. After some time it will manifest itself in the person speaking to God with his own holy spirit.

Capture the Moment

This morning, as I was davening (saying my morning prayers) I became cognizant of an issue for the first time. Well, perhaps it was not exactly the first time, but I gained a new and deeper understanding.

As is often the case while davening I found that I was not properly concentrating on the words and my mind was beginning to wander. I paid attention to the wanderings of my mind and realized that invariably they were focused on what I was going to do later in the day. Rather than focusing on what I was involved with at the moment, I was forgoing that for planning the future.

It became apparent to me very quickly that this is something I frequently do. Rather than savoring a moment, I too often lose the moment for my future concerns.

Next thing I need to figure out is how to combat this.

Windshield Focus

Picture for a moment someone who is driving but rather than remaining focused on looking forward through her windshield, she instead spends her time looking in the rear view mirror. How far will she get? How safe will her driving be?

Too often we make the same mistake with life. So many of us allow ourselves to be dragged down by our pasts. We are acutely aware of our past mistakes and wrongdoings, and we feel that we are doomed to repeat them. So much so, that we frequently make sure to repeat them, creating our own self-fulfilling prophecies.

This is an especially important concept to be focused on this month in the run-up to the High Holidays. When we recite viduy (confession) we should tell ourselves that the idea of mentioning the sins we have committed is in order to expel them from our beings; the act of viduy is an act of purging. Once we have it out of our system, let it remain out.

Our yetzer hora, the part of our being that wants to keep us down, desires nothing more than to keep reminding us of our past shortcomings and to insist that the past limits our future. We need to keep our eyes on the future and not allow the past to hold it back.

Personally I find this to be a very important message at this point in life. Right now I am transitioning from being involved in Jewish Education full time - as I have been for over two decades - into spending time in the business world. I have never had any success in this area before, and have always been convinced that I do not have the ability to have such success. Each day as I face new challenges that threaten the success of these endeavors, I need to remind myself that I have to focus on future success and not on what I have been convinced of in the past.

The same is true as I work on myself in areas of spiritual growth where I have tried to change in the past, and not achieved what I desired. As I try again and find myself challenged, I cannot allow myself to let the past be my teacher about my future. I have to leave the past in the past and move on to new successes.

The End of Jewish Guilt

As Rabbi Aroush continues explaining the practical Emunah (faith) of the Simple Man he shares the idea that one cannot undergo the process of Teshuva (return to God) until and unless one has complete faith in the idea that there is nothing other than God. One has to come to terms with the fact that whatever happened in the past, including his own sins, all was the will of God. By coming to terms with that, one can engage in introspection as to how to have a more spiritually productive future, without engaging in self-recrimination and guilt about the past.

Rather one should look at his past, warts and all, and ask himself "What message was God sending me when he allowed me to do this or that?" Instead of being upset about what he has done, the person should embrace each thing as a loving message from a caring God. No depression, no crying, no frustration. "How should this incident lead me to understanding how to get closer to God?"

Frustration - 42 Times

This past Shabbos the Torah portion discussed the 42 travels of the Jewish Nation in the wilderness. The Torah describes these travels as being the travels the Nation took as they left Egypt. Rabbi Yaakov Alesk, one of the leading 18th Century Kabbalists, asks that the wording is problematic as only the first few travels took them out of Egypt. The rest of the travels lasted close to forty years and took them all over the Sinai Desert.

He explains that by being in Egypt for 210 years the Nation had been very influenced by the Egyptian way of thinking. The experiences they had during each of these 42 travels taught them lessons that enabled them to pull themselves out of the Egyptian mindset and into the mindset God needed for them to have in order to enter the Land of Israel. It took 42 lessons over 40 years until they had moved from one way of thinking to another.

This is a good lesson when trying to help others grow spiritually or emotionally. All too often we can become frustrated with them and be ready to give up. Why can't they learn the lesson already? Why aren't they changing. Haven't I taught them enough times? Haven't enough years passed already? The Torah teaches us here that it can take many years and varied lessons until someone can truly change.

At the same time, we can learn that you shouldn't give up on yourself either, no matter how many times and how many different ways you have tried to change. It may take a while, even 40 years, but if you keep on persevering you can make it.

Frustration - Continued...

After all we have written, a person can still be frustrated. "How can I be satisfied when I am so distant from perfection?"

Here is what you really need to understand. If God has still not enabled you to perfect yourself spiritually, that is His will. It is for your good. Your success will tarry until you have succeeded in working on yourself and you are ready for the gift from God. A little more introspection, some more humility, a bit more prayer and then you will see it.

Were God to grant you success before you were ready for it, it would harm you. As long as you are still producing hideous shoes, still not achieving your goals in spirituality, that is what is best for you. God knows what you are doing, and sees your efforts; nothing is ignored. Any lack of success is born of God's love for you, as he patiently waits for you to build the vessel that is capable of receiving his light. Until you have minimized your ego to the point where you can truly feel Him.

Frustration

As we return now to the story of the Wise Man and the Simple Man, Rabbi Aroush is still struggling with understanding how the Simple Man can be happy with the hideous shoe he has created. Understanding that his efforts at making a shoe are a metaphor for our attempts to develop a relationship with God, he asks how it is that a person can be satisfied, even joyful as the story indicates, when his efforts are proving to fall short and produce hideous results.

He explains that it is imperative that as a person embarks on trying to develop his relationship with God that he has two thoughts in mind:

1. It is imperative that I develop a relationship with my Creator.


2. I will be joyful no matter what the result is.

One who becomes upset when his desires are not fulfilled is, in reality, only exhibiting the fullness of his own ego. He isn't living with reality; only God can determine who and when a relationship is developed. The frustration a person feels at his perceived lack of success comes from a feeling that he, the person, is the one who determines the outcome.

One (V) - Teshuva

There is an enigmatic Midrash which says that when consulted as to what a sinner should do to rectify his sin, most of the spiritual entities in the world were at a loss to find a good answer. Finally, God Himself was consulted and He said that the sinner should do Teshuvah (return or repentance) and be forgiven.

Based on our last few posts, I would suggest that all the other entities were those existing under the realm of Binah, with a consciousness that defined the world as a series of lines and boundaries. From that perspective crossing a line and encroaching where one doesn't belong is a fait accompli that cannot be undone. It is only when one can approach God, reach the realm of cognizance of God's permeating all, that one can truly return to God with the understanding that even in his sin, God was there.

The Maharal quotes a Midrash which likens a sin to making a crack on a piece of china belonging to a king. Nothing can be done to repair the crack. The one who cracked it is told that the situation is hopeless and he is going to be in trouble from the king. But when he finally approaches the king, the king tells him that he likes cracked china.

We can view our sins as being violations of our covenant with our Creator, or we can develop the understanding that even they are part of His plan.

One (IV) - Further Out of Bounds

Examining the story of Adam in the Garden of Eden, Rabbi Yaakov Leiner of Ishbitz has a very out-of-the-box view of the Sin. He maintains that at the End of Time God will reveal the truth that Adam did not sin by eating from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam's eating from the Tree was part of the Divine plan to begin with. The sin he committed was in his attitude, not in his action. After eating from the Tree, when God questioned him about what had occurred, he should have answered "God, I am incapable of doing anything without your enabling me." That would have shown his understanding that God permeates all. Instead, seeing that he had done something that he thought he was not supposed to do, he came to the conclusion that he had the ability to act outside of God's will. This was his sin.

Adam was faced with two choices as to how to view Creation. He could take the lower view of Binah and view the world as a series of lines and boundaries, dos and don'ts with Adam having the choice to stay in the lines, or to step out. This is by far the "easier" view to take of a world in which God's presence is hidden under many layers of Creation, both physical and spiritual. Alternatively, being the handmade creation of God, he had the best view from which to be aware of God's presence in all, and of his own inability to act outside of God.

Adam chose to take the view of his having the ability act outside of God. This is why the Talmud labels him as arrogant and also refers to Adam as an idol worshipper. In his denial, his attitude was akin to idol worship.

One (Part Three) - Out of Bounds

At this point in my thinking, I was finally beginning to grasp certain concepts I have seen in Chassidic writings, but could not until now wrap my head around.

Halacha (Jewish Ritual Law) teaches that although one can fulfill his technical requirement to pray by reciting the prayers in the absence of really paying attention to what he is saying, there are exceptions to this rule. One of those is the first verse of Shema which, if someone recites it while he is daydreaming about something else, he has not fulfilled his requirement, and must repeat the Shema.

Rabbi Isaac of Komarna, one of the most intensely Kabbalistic of all the Chassidic writers, says that rather than repeating the Shema one should accustom himself to remembering that God is in everything, even in his stray thoughts. One who truly understands this will realize that his day dream during Shema was not a violation of the will of God thereby invalidating his recital of Shema, but was indeed God's will. As such, he should not repeat it.

I would add that as the idea of Shema is the declaration of God's permeation of all of existence, filling one's mind with this consciousness and thereby not repeating the Shema, is in and of itself, the very same declaration.

To be continued

One (Part Two)

As I continued to contemplate the two paradigms of awareness of God's involvement with His Creation, I began to understand some things that had always left me wanting deeper comprehension.

The dichotomy we wrote about yesterday can be referred to be different names. In Kabbalistic thought it can be viewed as the distinction between Chesed and Gevurah (Din), or the transition from Chochmah to Binah. Others would refer to it as the distinction between right and left brain thinking. Let's explore this a little.

The realm of Chochmah in Kabbalistic thought represents an all encompassing thought and sense of purpose, but one that has not yet taken a form and shape to put it into actual this-world practice. Chochmah is infinite in its possibility, Binah gives it form and function, but at the same time places limits on the Chochmah.

The Chochmah of God permeates all of Creation, but, in order for Creation to be a useful creation, it is all presented to us in its neatly packaged and user-friendly Binah wrapping. The world of Binah, with its form, function, and limitations is what gives us (in the words of the Kabbalists) concepts such as Right and Wrong, Valid and Invalid, Pure and Impure. These concepts are all a direct result of the delineations imposed by the application of Binah to the hitherto unformed Chochmah.

In the realm of Chochmah, by contrast, these delineations do not exist. One who can rise to that level of consciousness can move beyond these categories entirely and view the world as completely infused by God.

To be continued...

One

On Friday morning I was davening (praying) and I arrived at the Shema which begins with a declaration of the Unity of God: Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One. Following that a line is added which does not appear in the original Biblical text which reads: Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom for ever and ever.

As I contemplated these words which I have recited thousands of times in the past, I focused on a teaching which explains that these two lines represent distinctly different types of declarations of God's Unity. The first line represents an "Upper Unity," the second a "Lower Unity." "What, exactly, do those two terms mean," I began to wonder to myself.

I realized that there are two ways in which we can view God and His interaction with the world. We can view God as the Creator and Master of the World, the One to whom the whole world is subservient, or view Him as the one whose very being permeates all of existence. I have written about the distinction between these views previously.

These views represent a higher and lower vision of what God is. Although both of them do acknowledge God and are certainly an improvement over those who would deny His existence, there are still significant differences. Living as we do in the Universe in which division and separation reign, seeing the true vision of God as One is very difficult. It is much easier to be able to believe in God as the Master of All, without arriving at an understanding as God being All.

The first verse, which refers to God as One, is the Upper Unity as it is the verse which expresses arriving at the point in which we can truly envision and comprehend the fullness of God's Unity, that he permeates all. The second verse, by contrast, only acknowledges him as King, he is the Master, but it lacks the vision to see Him as permeating all.

To be continued...

Striving with Life -Marriage

The Talmud records an interesting debate between two schools of thought. The students of Shammai said that when attending a wedding one should sing the praises of the bride "as is." For better or for worse. The students of Hillel, by contrast, said that no matter what the bride is like one should sing that she is "pretty and kind." Nowadays the custom of Hillel is followed and there are any number of tunes by which those words are sung.

Many are puzzled by the meaning of this debate, and based on what I have shared with you the past few days, I would like to offer an innovative approach to their debate. The Shela HaKadosh a 16th century Kabbalist explains that oftentimes when we find a debate such as this in the Talmud, there are not truly two different opinions, rather, each is offering a partial glimpse of the total picture.

Oftentimes when people seek a marriage partner, they are seeking someone who they see as the perfect partner for themselves. Only someone who meets the preconceived notions is considered for the possibility of marriage. After marriage, when reality sets in, disappointment frequently follows.

The students of Shammai felt that it was important to understand that your spouse, warts and all, is the person placed in your life by God, as it is this spouse who will offer you the challenges and opportunities that you need in order to meet your destiny. The "perfect" spouse would have been less than perfect for this task. That is why he says that at the wedding people should sing about the bride "as is." As she is, she is the perfect bride for this groom, and it is important that he understand and accept that with joy and faith and not strive with the divine plan for the world. Hillel's students agreed with this. Every bride is exactly as pretty and kind as this groom needs, they argued, so for every bride we should sing of her beauty and kindness.

Imagine how the state of marriage in this country would change if we could all truly internalize this message.

Striving with Life - The Red Heifer

This past Saturday I read the part of the story about the Simple Man and the Wise Man that I posted yesterday. When I was done, I switched to a commentary on the week's Torah portion. Fascinatingly, it touched on the same concept.

The Torah teaches that if one comes into contact with a dead body, either by touching it or being in the same room, he becomes tamei, ritually impure. The only way to remove the tumah (ritual impurity) is by waiting a minimum of seven days during which the ashes of a red heifer mixed with some other ingredients, are sprinkled on the person's body. There are other occurrences which can result in a person becoming tamei, but contact with the dead results in the most severe tumah. Usually tumah is removed by immersion in a mikvah, a ritual bath and one is pure the following day. Why does contact with the dead require such a strange sounding a lengthy process?

The most significant ramification of a person's being in a state of tumah is that he is precluded from entering the Temple and offering sacrifices or participating in some other manner. This shows us that one who is in such a state is not allowed to approach God in the same manner as others. The tumah symbolizes that there is something in his spiritual makeup that is creating a barrier between himself and God. We haven't got the space here to discuss this in reference to all the various types of tumah that exist, but why, specifically, in the case of contact with the dead, is there tumah? Why does it affect a person's ability to connect to God?

Rabbi Yitzchok Issac of Komarna, a Chassidic Rebbe who wrote an intensely Kabbalistic commentary on the Torah, gives us some insight into this. He explains that when one sees someone who has passed away, there is always a part of the person that begins to strive with God. To some degree the person begins to question God's providence in taking this person, and wondering about the justice of the way the world is run. The person does not want to accept the reality of what is and finds himself upset and striving with the facts as they are before him.

This attitude creates a barrier between the person and God which is represented by the tumah which comes upon him. He or she needs a week to work on their attitude towards God and to come to terms with the reality and to quit striving with what is.

The ashes which are sprinkled upon the person are meant to symbolize this as well. They remind the person that he is but dust and ashes. For that matter, only a microscopic bit of ash mixed in water must land on him. That reminds the person of what he is as compared to the entire Universe, the Creation of God. "Humble yourself as all you are is ash, and don't question reality or strive with it."

As we said yesterday, happiness can only come by making peace with what is. Striving with the facts only retards ones ability to achieve true spiritual growth.

Striving with Life

Rebbe Nachman's story continues with the Simple Man having become a cobbler making a particularly hideous looking shoe which he could only sell for a few pennies to a pauper. Looking at the fruit of his labors the Simple Man began to sing and dance and praise God for his ability to make such a shoe.

Rabbi Aroush points out that the shoe should have symbolized to the Simple Man all of his shortcomings. It should have forced him to focus on his inability to be properly educated and to make a decent living. It should have reminded him of the ridicule he often suffered from other people. Yes none of these thoughts entered his mind. Instead, he took the symbol of his shortcomings and danced with it happily. He was able to do so because he was at peace with himself.

To achieve this peace a person must be aware of his shortcomings and believe that this is exactly who he must be in order to achieve his destiny in this world. Ignoring ones shortcomings, or convincing ones self that they don't exist can only lead to an artificial and temporary joy. Eventually the issues will bubble to the surface and he will be forced to deal with them. This will happen because it is only be coming face to face with them that he can achieve his destiny.

Whatever bad hand a person feels he has been dealt - a difficult spouse, abusive parents, tyrannic boss, impossible children - there was no error in God's plans that brought these issues about. On the contrary, they are the necessary ingredients to assist him in achieving his destiny.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that people who are happy and righteous are able to accomplish that because they have fewer or easier challenges in life. The fact that that is simply not so.

It is not greatness that brings about joy, it is joy that brings about greatness.

Rags Riches

Rebbe Nachman's story continues with a shift to the life of the Simple Man who only had one old tattered coat. Despite that, when he had to go out, he did so with complete joy and did not allow himself to be concerned with what others might think of his attire.

Rabbi Aroush says that this shows us how genuine his joy was. This was because his joy was predicated on his understanding that whatever he had it was because God willed it to be so. His joy did not depend on the approval of other people. He did not get caught up in "keeping up with the Joneses." Even when other could see that he was lacking it didn't bother him.

Real inner joy can only come when someone doesn't care if others are singing his praises or if they are ridiculing him. Living with Emunah means living with God, not with people. If people think something is not good, does that make it not good?!! Joy that is dependant on other's approval is merely superficial. The moment the person is open to criticism or ridicule he will fall apart.

Once again he has hit me where it counts; this issue has been a real challenge for me for many years. I couldn't possibly begin to count the number of times I have worried about the approval of others, rather than only concerning myself with the approval of God. How many times have I done things, or not done things, because I was concerned about the approval of other people?

I still have a long was to go to overcome this tendency, but the more I place my focus on God, and the less on other people's concerns, the closer I get to this ideal of happiness.

Computer Games

Have you ever played one of those computer games in which you are meandering about a computer generated world? As you go about your business every object you pass has a purpose. The programmers put the objects where they are for a definitive reason. Some might give you "life" or ammunition just by coming into contact with them; others are obstacles or opponents whom you much overcome in order to gain points or to get to the next level. We can choose to ignore these obstacles and opportunities, but then we are missing the point of the game.
Life is the same way, explains Rabbi Aroush, when we see things in the path of our life we often are tempted to view them as obstacles or irrelevancies. We ignore those things that can bring us increased life, because we don't see the benefit clearly. We get annoyed and angry at those things which oppose us as we feel that they are interfering with our lives.
If we would believe that everything that comes across our path is there for a reason - the reason being to help us achieve our purpose in life - then we would view each such encounter as an opportunity, not a nuisance. Kabbalistic thought teaches us that everything in existence has sparks of holiness (Nitzotzos Kedusha) trapped within it. Interacting with these things in the right time, place and manner, gives us the ability to free that holiness and add the sparks (so to speak) to our point total. Often it can be a difficult challenge, and we might need to try more than once. But when we are done, it is on to the next level.

Oh Lord It's Hard to be Haughty

As we continue on with Rebbe Nachman's story of the Wise Man and the Simple Man, the Wise Man is on his way home. His trip is miserable. As he was so much smarter than any of his traveling companions, he had no one with whom to speak on the way. Every time he stopped for the night his accommodations were miserable. His wisdom wasn't doing him any good, it was destroying his life!
His haughtiness made him look down on others to the point where he lacked the ability to relate socially with others. In order to justify this attitude he constantly found fault with the efforts and accomplishments of all those around him. It verified his knowledge that he was so much wiser. After all, if he was in charge none of those mistakes would be made.
Presumably his negative attitude would have caused him to be constantly angry, as is frequently the style of negative people. "This meal is too hot! This dish hasn't got enough salt. Why did they design this hotel room in this manner, and fool knows that..."
After reading all this it was time for some serious soul searching. First for the good (relatively speaking) part. I certainly have a natural tendency to be critical and negative. There have been times in my life when I have looked at everything (and I mean everything) around me and found fault in all of it. I then let those I deemed responsible know very clearly how I felt about it, in pretty rude and angry terminology. Thank God I have managed to a large extent to move beyond that. Although I can at times still be negative, it is not as much as it was, and I do not react with the old vehemence.
I have accomplished this by really trying to work on what is true humility. I have looked at my own faults and realized that I am far from perfect. I expect others to tolerate my faults; I should tolerate theirs. God grants me life and much good, despite my faults and wrongdoings and we are mandated to emulate Him.
Beyond that, I have worked to focus on the good in things and not on the negative. I try to have the presence of mind to bite my tongue from presenting my initial reaction and to seek to find something good to say.
Rabbi Aroush offers another, very powerful, way of viewing negative situations which I find helpful and will elaborate upon in my next posting.
As far as the relating to others goes, that is also an area in which I am very lacking. I have always had a certain shyness and a difficulty making friends, especially when meeting a total stranger, and don't easily socialize and make small talk. In the past I always chalked it up to shyness, whatever that means.
More recently I have been trying to understand the same point Rabbi Aroush makes here. I need to understand within myself what aspect of this shyness is really based in a haughtiness which allows me to feel I cannot relate to others whom I perceive as not being my intellectual equals. As I mentioned in a previous post, attitudes like this are really rooted in a lack of self-esteem.
Still lots of work to do.

Oh Lord It's Hard to be Humble

As I continue on in Rebbe Nachman's story of the Wise Man and the Simple Man, the wise man is at the point where he is ready to settle down and get married. But he feels he must return to his hometown to accomplish that task. Why? Not because the girl next door is cut out to be a better wife. Rather it is because if he returns home the people will admire what he has made of himself after coming from humble origins. In his present location the people don't quite appreciate all he has become.
Rabbi Aroush points out the illness inherent in pursuing honor. Such a person is hurt if anyone doesn't treat him with the proper respect. He is unable to receive any criticism. If the point is valid he simply falls apart. He constantly argues and always has to be right.
Whoa! I really was feeling convicted by all this. From the time I was a small child I was always worried about what others thought of me, and did all I could to impress others. I did not do a good job of taking criticism, and was a well known arguer.
As Rabbi Aroush points out, the only way to overcome these issues is by having trust and faith in God. All honor is truly His, not yours. Whatever you have comes from God; don't look for you to receive honor for yourself from it.

Black Hole

Sometimes I can get down; I can pretty much feel like giving up. It can take a lot out of me to keep pushing myself to go on despite all the obstacles that are before me. The Ishbitzer Rebbe suggests that this attitude is what the Torah is addressing when it writes about Chilul Hashem. Conventionally, this is understood to mean acting in a manner that desecrates the name of God, but he takes it one step further. He says that the word Chilul (חילול) shares the same Hebrew word as Chalal (חלל) a hole, or depression.

He explains that the root cause of giving up is the feeling that it is beyond God's ability to assist the person out of his predicament. The person lacks the ability at that time to find the light of God in his situation, and feels that God is absent.

In that sense the person ready to give up is saying that there is a hole, a void, where God is absent; whereas in truth, God is omnipotent. It is that attitude of there being a hole in God, so to speak, that the Torah is telling us is the root of depression and the ultimate desecration of God.

This is very much a Breslev type of approach wherein it is understood that being down and depressed is the greatest possible sin. I have seen that Rabbi Aruosh writes that the cause of frustration and depression is that the person feels that he is on his own and he needs to accomplish the task, and finds himself wanting. In truth any person doesn't have the tools needed to complete the task. Everyone needs God's help to accomplish. Getting out of the frustrated frame of mind requires the cognizance that it is God who will get the task done, and leaving it up to Him to do so. By bringing God back in, the void is filled, God is back, and the problems go away.

Don't confuse me with the facts

On Sunday mornings, I have been studying Rabbi Aroush's work on marriage with a small group. The book is available in both Hebrew and English; they are two very different works. We have been using the Hebrew edition.

This week, what we read focused on the need for honesty in marriage. Specifically the author was focusing on the fact that frequently when spouses disagree about doing something, one of them will choose to do it and lie about having done it to their spouse. He explains that even though the Talmud permits "changing" one's story for the sake of peace, that doesn't apply in this case. He explains that such changing is only permissible when one does something with all the best of intentions and then something goes wrong which may upset another party. In that case one may embellish the facts in a way that will keep the peace. But the Talmud does not permit proactively and intentionally creating a situation in which one will feel compelled to lie to protect himself after having engaged in an activity in which he/she should not have been involved to begin with!

I have to confess that leading this discussion group puts me in a sometimes funny position; as I have not always been a model husband, I can feel at times like a hypocrite sharing with others how to be proper husbands. I "protect" myself by saying repeatedly that everything I am sharing applies to me as much as to anyone else.

Especially with this issue, I have to admit that in the past I have often abused the permit to fudge on the truth for the sake of peace. I have to keep this lesson at the forefront of my mind with everything I do, so I do not abuse it in the future.

If not now...

I should have written this post hours ago. I didn't. I am a procrastinator.

This morning I was thinking of a few things I had to do. For each one I had a reason why doing them tomorrow would be much better. So, I sat there trying to figure out what to do with myself, as I had nothing to do right then.

At that moment I caught myself, and became cognizant of the folly of my procrastination. I got up and got one of the tasks done.

What struck me as interesting is that I have been engaging regularly in hisbodedus, personal prayer as taught by the Breslever Chasidim, especially Rabbi Shalom Aroush, of whom I have written earlier. One of the things I have repeatedly asked God to help me with, is this particular character trait. Today was the first time I really felt internally like I was receiving God's assistance to overcome this particular trait.

I am thankful for this one, small, victory, though I realize I still have a long way to go to rid myself of this scourge.

I should really pray right now, everything is quiet in the house, so that I don't lose my rhythm. Or maybe I will just pray later...

Crash

Last night I was parking outside of a public building into which I had to run for a couple of minutes. As I parked, I noticed someone backing out of the parking lot and backing into a car parked across the street. The sound made it obvious that there was a bit of damage. My view of the damage was blocked, but I was glad to see the driver get out and examine the damage. I proceeded into the building.

I emerged a few minutes later and saw the very obvious large dent on the door of the car that was hit. The perpetrator was no where to be found. As I opened the door of my car, I saw someone emerge from an apartment and approach the car that was hit. He stopped in shock as he saw the dent on his car door. I emerged from my car and asked him if someone had left a note accepting responsibility for hitting him. He said no one had. I made some efforts to help him find the responsible party, I don't know if he was identified.

I must admit that I walked away fro this event sorely disappointed and saddened that someone would act that way.

But then I began to look at myself in the mirror, and think of all the times I have not properly taken responsibility for the consequences of my behavior. I have certainly acted in ways similar to this person in the past. If I am so quick to judge the hit and run man for his shirking, surely that puts the onus on me to make sure that I am taking proper responsibility for whatever I do.

All too often it is easy to feel that you can get away with it, especially when no one else sees and knows what you have done. True integrity is demonstrated by how you conduct yourself when no one else is looking. Don't you want to be honest to yourself? Generally, if you aren't, and you aren't a psychopath, then trying to get away with such a thing ends up making you feel pretty awful. Why put yourself through that misery?

Thinking

Rabbi Nachman of Breslev told over many fascinating stories replete with messages for all of us. One of my favorites is the story of The Wise Man and the Simple Man. Rabbi Shalom Aroush has written (in Hebrew) a wonderful commentary on this story.
I want to share something I found inspirational.
In the story, the "simple" man, needing a profession, just goes out and quickly becomes a cobbler. The wise man, by contrast, takes his time deciding what to do with his life. At one point he stops and thinks to himself about what to do and then strolls around the local martketplace looking for a job.
Rabbi Aroush comments on his attitude:
Thinking things through ahead of time is certainly an important trait, especuially when one is faced with life altering decisions. But it is vital tha tthe thinking is predicated upon the wisdom of God, and not on the persons's own wisdom. As occurs in this story, one who relies on his own wisdom, is doomed to failure.
The "wise" man neglects to pray to God, nor does he consult with Him. He doesn't ask God what He wants him to do, what his destiny in life is, what is his purpose and what is his mandate.
Finding these things can only come about through formal, as well as personal (hisbodidus) prayer. God is the only one who knows what is best for a person in this world, as He knows the root of every soul. He knows why each person has come to the world, and can see the whole picture and knows how each individual fits into it.
Anyone who is honest with himself knows that he has no idea where he/she is heading. Do you know why you are here and what is good for you? Look around and you will notice that most people are unhappy with their professions. Had they consulted with God and asked Him for direction everything would have been easy. They would have discovered a destiny in which they would have found satisfaction.
As I read those words I found myself feeling quite convicted. How many times have I made important decisions without consulting properly with God beforehand? How many ties have I relied on my own intellect without connecting it to His?

Reading List

There are countless works of mussar (self improvement) that exists on the market. Having learnt many of them over the years, I still felt that something was missing. How do you get it in your heart?
Recently, I have begun to learn three seforim that address this issue. While I can't say that any of them have solved the problem for me, they have given me great direction as to how to get the Torah into my heart the way it should be.
First and foremost are the seforim of Rav Sholom Aroush. Offering an approach based on Breslove Chassidus he discusses frankly the issues of truly chaning oneself and how to overcome the challenge. The main factors on which he focuses are emunah and hisbodidus, which in his parlance refers to speaking out your heart to Hashem outside of formal tefilah (prayer). Three of his works are available in English, and many more in Hebrew. Additionally, there are hundreds of CDs that you can listen to from him, or his translator Lazer Brody. They are reasonably priced and reenforce the mesages of the books. There are also many articles available online that share their thoughts.

Why write?

I am starting this new blog in order to share with you my explorations in learning how to purify my heart. I hope that this can become a forum in which others can share their struggles, insights, and achievements with others.

The purpose of Torah study and a life dedicated to Mitzvah performance is to bring a person closer to G-d; essentially to develop a personal relationship with Him. This should result in a nation of people who are refined in their character and all areas of behavior.

Unfortunately, it hasn't quite worked that way. The fact that we remain in exile is eloquent testimony to the failures of our religious experiment. Our sages tell us that it was due to interpersonal issues that we were exiled. As we have not yet fully returned from exile, it is clear that we have yet to rectify that issue.

Why have we failed? How can we change things?

Repeating what hasn't worked will only prepetuate more of the same.

I am not at all advocating a repudiation of Torah, and a Torah way of life. Quite the contrary. I am advocating an honest reappraisal of the principles of that life, so we can get rid of our hearts of stone and develop hearts of flesh.